The Exhale: Learning to Trust God in the Waiting

Today, my third grader was preparing for his end-of-year award ceremony, as I prepared for my second mammogram for the year.

I'm sure you're like… second mammogram?

Yes.

I did my first regular mammogram after breast cancer on my right breast earlier this year, and my results were true to my past years’ results…

DENSE BREAST TISSUE.

Now, if you've been following me for any length of time, "You already know…" (in my Big Freedia voice) — call your OBGYN, PCP, or whomever and request a follow-up ultrasound.

Welp, that's just what I did a few months ago. Because my prior images were delayed in getting to the team before my appointment, they compared them afterwards and contacted me later with the results. That later communication was for me to come in for a 3D diagnostic mammogram and another ultrasound.

I scheduled it and shoved it to the back of my head.

I had to prepare myself for my first go at reconstructive surgery, which required way more energy and focus than the second mammogram.

This journey has a way of layering things on top of each other, and just when you think you have a handle on it, life reminds you who is really in charge.

See, this journey is chaotic and full of pivots. What I told y'all not too long ago… wanna see God laugh, tell him your plans! Those are the pivots: the medications not responding to your body as expected, the treatments having to be paused because your body has shown its complete ass on you, or your medical team just making an adjustment for your good that throws the plan all off wack.

Yeah, that's cancer.

In this journey, I've had to learn that I control nothing.

God controls it all.

This week, as I looked at the schedule and saw the conflict between my youngest's celebration and my necessary medical appointment, I got a little anxious.

Here goes life again, deciding for me.

As you all have witnessed, I have an amazing support system. My husband stepped in and supported the award ceremony while I handled my business.

If I say I walked in confidently, I'd be lying.

As I prepared myself for today, I was a little anxious. So to steady myself, I just started thanking God for all that he has done, all that he is doing, and all that he will do. Once I stepped inside the hospital, I went on autopilot.

I've walked this path before in June 2024. I wasn't claiming the same results as that visit, but I was trusting God.

I got signed in and was finally called to the back for my 3D diagnostic mammogram. The radiologist didn't see anything concerning, so we transitioned over to ultrasound.

This is where I got the news.

They did find a growth that they are 98% sure is benign. This isn't anything outrageous; I had a growth removed when I was a senior in high school that was confirmed to be benign.

What I didn't realize is that when the technician shared the news…

I finally exhaled.

I had been holding my breath since she came back into the room.

Nothing alarming was found in the ultrasound. The typical six-month follow-up with 3D diagnostic mammograms, probably from here on out.

I'm learning in this process, I'm not in control. I'm learning that this walk has been a faith walk, as my pastor so eloquently began that series when I was scheduled to begin chemotherapy. It's funny how God always provides support, comfort, or confirmation when you need it most.

And though I'd love to tell you that my faith is so strong that I don't have moments of anxiety and fear, I'd be lying.

I have those moments.

BUT God.

As quickly as they come, they soon go, with me calling to memory how far God has brought me throughout this process.

To my fellow warriors: the anxiety doesn't magically disappear because your last scan came back clear. It lingers in waiting rooms. It lives in scheduling conflicts. It shows up the moment a technician walks back through that door. If you are on this journey too, know that what you feel is real, and so is the God who keeps showing up in that waiting room with you.

You are not alone in this.

If you are on this journey, I want to hear from you. What does the waiting feel like for you? How do you steady yourself when life schedules itself right over your peace? Drop it in the comments; we are in this together.